When was the last time you truly listened?

When was the last time you were truly heard?

Have you ever been halfway through telling someone something important, only to realise they're not really listening?

You can see they're preparing their response. Maybe they've already decided what you're going to say. They're nodding, making the right noises, waiting for an opportunity to jump in.

You carry on for a bit, then eventually give up.

"Never mind. It doesn't matter."

Except it did matter. That's why you brought it up in the first place.

Now think about the last time someone gave you their undivided attention. Someone who was genuinely interested in understanding what you had to say, without feeling the need to interrupt, offer advice or tell you about a similar experience of their own.

Can you remember how that felt?

Listening is quite an art.

Most of us would probably say we're pretty good at it.

Are we, though?

Think about the last conversation you had. Can you remember what the other person was saying? More importantly, can you remember what was going through your mind while they were speaking?

Were you giving them your full attention, or were you already working out what to say next?

Maybe something they said reminded you of a similar experience. You couldn't wait to share it. You knew exactly what they were going through.

Or you could see where they were going wrong and wanted to help. After all, why let someone struggle when you can offer a solution?

It's so easily done.

Listening properly requires considerably more than hearing someone's words. It takes attention, curiosity and a willingness to put aside our own experiences, opinions and assumptions long enough to understand what someone else is actually trying to tell us.

There's also so much being communicated beyond the words themselves. The tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, pauses and even what's left unsaid.

How much are we missing when we're so focused on what's being said that we fail to notice how it's being said?

There's also the question of what happens inside us as we listen.

What catches our attention? What irritates us? When do we feel the urge to interrupt, correct or defend a position?

We can learn quite a lot about ourselves simply by observing what goes on in our minds while someone else is talking.

When was the last time you felt understood?

Think about a conversation that left you feeling energised. One where you came away feeling lighter, clearer or simply better for having had it.

What made the difference?

Was it that the other person agreed with you? Told you what you wanted to hear? Gave you some brilliant advice?

Or was it that you had the opportunity to express yourself, without having to defend or justify what you were saying?

Now think about a conversation that left you feeling drained.

Maybe you had to keep explaining yourself. You felt misunderstood, dismissed or judged. You could see the other person preparing their response before you'd even finished speaking. Or you simply disagreed with what they were saying and kept it inside, building up a sense of unexpressed resistance.

You might even have given up trying to make your point.

For some of us, that experience becomes so familiar that we stop expecting anything different.

We choose our words carefully. Decide what is worth raising and what isn't. Keep certain thoughts to ourselves because we already know how the conversation is likely to go.

Over time, we might even stop trying.

Consider how much of your day is spent responding to other people's needs, expectations and demands.

At work, people may come to you for decisions, advice or solutions. Your judgement is valued. You're expected to know what you're doing.

Perhaps you're managing a team, responsible for investment decisions or trying to introduce changes that you know would make a difference.

You have your own concerns, frustrations and uncertainties, although there may be little opportunity to discuss them.

At home, there are other responsibilities. People who need your attention. Things to organise. Conversations to have.

You might be surrounded by people who care about you, yet still find that there are things you don't feel comfortable sharing.

After all, you're the one who's supposed to have the answers.

Who do you turn to when you don't?

And when you do find someone to talk to, how much of what you're really thinking do you allow yourself to say?

What about the conversations you have with yourself?

There's another aspect of listening that deserves our attention.

How well do we listen to ourselves?

We spend so much of our lives responding to what's happening around us that it's easy to lose sight of what's happening within us.

An email arrives and we're irritated before we've finished reading it.

Someone challenges our judgement and we immediately feel the need to defend ourselves.

A trade goes against us and suddenly we're questioning decisions that made perfect sense an hour earlier.

At home, a familiar disagreement arises and we find ourselves having the same argument we've had countless times before.

We react, move on and get caught up in the next thing demanding our attention.

How often do we stop long enough to notice what's actually going on?

Why did that comment bother me so much?

What am I assuming about this situation?

Am I responding to what's happening now, or to something I've experienced before?

What am I feeling that I haven't acknowledged?

Sometimes we dismiss our own feelings as readily as we might dismiss someone else's.

"I'm being ridiculous."

"I shouldn't let this bother me."

"I know better than this."

"Just get on with it."

We've become rather good at talking ourselves out of what we're experiencing.

And if we've spent years being the capable, dependable person that others rely on, admitting that something is troubling us can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.

There are also times when we're so accustomed to feeling a certain way that we barely notice it anymore.

The tension. The frustration. The constant pressure to get things right.

It becomes part of our normal experience.

We might recognise that something isn't quite right, yet struggle to understand why we keep responding in the same way.

Whether we're leading a team, managing a portfolio, trading our own money or navigating the demands of everyday life, our ability to recognise what's happening within us influences how we communicate, the decisions we make and the relationships we build.

What happens when someone really listens?

Imagine having a conversation where you don't need to have all the answers.

You can explore a thought without having to know where it's going.

You can admit something you might ordinarily keep to yourself, without worrying about how it will be received.

You don't have to justify your feelings or explain why something matters to you.

There's someone paying attention. Someone who's interested in understanding your experience, rather than deciding what you should do about it.

And as you talk, you begin to hear yourself differently.

A skilled listener may notice something you've overlooked. A recurring phrase, an assumption you've made or a contradiction between what you say you want and what you're actually doing.

They might ask a question that makes you stop and think.

You may find yourself saying something you hadn't quite realised you were thinking.

I've experienced this in my own life and I've seen it in my work with clients.

People can spend years trying to work things out for themselves. They've read the books, attended the courses, sought advice and spent countless hours thinking about what's troubling them.

They're often thoughtful, self-aware people who've invested considerable time and effort in understanding themselves.

They may know exactly what they'd like to change.

Yet knowing something intellectually doesn't necessarily mean we're able to change how we experience or respond to it.

Sometimes we need the opportunity to explore what lies beneath what we already know.

Having someone who can listen with genuine curiosity, notice what we might be overlooking and ask questions that help us examine our own thinking can be enormously valuable.

There's something quite different about being given that kind of attention.

Especially when you're accustomed to being the person everyone else turns to.

A final thought

I'd like to leave you with the two questions I started with.

When was the last time you truly listened?

And when was the last time you were truly heard?

Think about the people you turn to when something is troubling you.

The conversations you have and the ones you avoid.

The things you readily share and those you keep to yourself.

You may be surprised by what you discover when you give those questions some thought.

And if it's been a long time since you've had a conversation where you felt genuinely heard, consider what it might be like to have one.